The Clockwork Penis

It’s been a long time since a guy had the audacity to send me a penis picture. One of the first things I say to a man, whether friend or casual encounter, is don’t do that!

Last night, I was talking to the guy I’m accidentally seeing. He wants a picture of me — he has it in his head that I’m beautiful and must be displayed on his phone — but I’ve been refusing. Even on my prettiest days, I am not photogenic; the camera catches me mid sentence, so I often look like a stroke victim. Not to mention the whole camera adding ten pounds excuse.

Because of the relationship I was in two years ago, I don’t send images of myself to anyone. That guy made me take inappropriate pictures for him, and I’m still having to take the occasional social media stroll to check for false profiles with my…face. Even if that had never happened, I would say no to selfies on principle.

So…this current guy asks for my picture. I say — no (giggle) I’m not photogenic! — and then I’m staring at his penis. Ugh!

Let me be clear: I like his penis. I’ve been there, and it’s a very nice ride, but I do not get the urge to strip and jump on that whenever I see it. My Blog is My Boyfriend has already posted a hilarious piece about Penis Selfies, so I’ll only say one more thing about this horrorshow: my phone has amazing resolution. When that popped up on my screen, I literally ducked. I was afraid it was going to explode in my face, which, interestingly enough, is one of my dealbreakers.

And this was NOT the most upsetting part of the conversation…

I let the penis faux pas slide. Last night, I was tired from a long, stressful week and didn’t want to fall asleep angry. He asked me what I was doing tomorrow. I told him I’m going to the library because I ran out of things to read and only have three books left for my goal. He doesn’t read, but he loves that I do. The guy is smart in a lot of other ways, so as long as he doesn’t try to come between me and my books, I won’t count his aversion to reading against him.

In response, he told me that he thinks we’re going to have a very happy relationship.

What the left field!

Relationship? I don’t have those. Where was I when things became serious? I never agreed to be anyone’s girlfriend!

He admitted we never discussed it, yet he thinks of me as being his girl…after three days.

That is terrifying.

I have only bad experiences with men who refer to me as one of their treasured possessions. I don’t want to be a pirate’s hoard or the pot of gold at the end of a nightmare rainbow. The last time I checked, sex is not an unspoken contract, and a condom is not a promise ring. Plus, there’s a reason I don’t take dating past the realm of casual: things get dangerous when emotions become involved.

I have a habit of keeping a mental list of positive and negative attributes from the first encounter with someone (man or woman). I don’t forget easily, and, even if there are fifty positives, I find it difficult to forgive one negative. A man would have to be perfection personified to win me over to the serious side. No. Scratch that. I would find a way to twist that perfection into a flaw: I’m not good enough for perfect — he must be a really good liar, and I hate liars — no one is perfect, so he’s a figment of my imagination — etc.

Th current non-boyfriend has already racked up a handful of flaws ranging from horrible grammar to substance abuse. I do like a lot of things about him; however, I already know that we can never be more than friends because of those unforgivable negatives. The biggest one: he cheated on his last girlfriend, and he has a tendency to go back to her even after he says he’s done with her for good.


3 thoughts on “The Clockwork Penis

  1. Ugh, unexpected penis pictures are the worst. I just got a new phone yesterday that has incredible resolution so I’m afraid that the next penis picture I’m unfortunate enough to receive will cause me to duck as well. Unless it is from Hunky McHardbody because it would be to small to be startling.
    When I first read “horrible grammar and” I thought the rest was “sentence abuse.” Now, I see that it is substance abuse and I’m not sure which is worse!

    Liked by 1 person

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